And Now For Some Crazy
by loverofeevee
Summary: Just some Harry Potter went back in time silliness. I've missed out plenty so no busting my butt over it! There's a bit of sexual innuendo and some swearing in the second and third chapter, nothing big.
1. Chapter 1

_What can I say, I got bored and this was too big to put in Tilt Your Head And Squint_

And Now For Some Crazy

There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.

Harry prised an eye open and looked round, then gave an evil smirk.

Time for some fun.

OOO

'Harry Potter!'

'_Oh my god it's Harry Potter!'_

'_Where is he, I can't see him!'_

Professor McGonagall frowned as she looked over the group.

'Harry Potter!' she repeated.

Several teachers began muttering. Albus leaned forward in concern.

'HARRY POTTER!' McGonagall yelled.

The hall fell silent. Then…

'Oh my, was that my name? Sorry, too busy listening to Tiny Tim!'

And out he came, and oh what a sight he was.

Black leather trousers. Crisp white shirt. Fitted black robe. Spiked up hair. Glittery lip balm, cherry flavoured. Egyptian styled kohl makeup around the eyes.

And then of course the hidden extras. Custom made wand in Dragon hide holster on his arm. Shrunken trunk filled with goodies from the Potter vaults. And the Potter family ring on his middle left finger.

'_Good Merlin!'_

'_THAT'S Harry Potter?!'_

'_God he's hot!'_

'_There's no way he's eleven!'_

Harry tucked his music player into his robe pocket and strutted up to the stool. He gave McGonagall a charming smirk as he plonked down and swung his legs innocently back and fourth. He glanced up as after a few moments the hat didn't come down over his eyes.

'Everything alright professor?' he asked, tilting his head in innocent confusion.

McGonagall recovered herself and lowered the hat onto his head, fighting a blush. Harry sniggered to himself at her reaction.

'_**My word, are we going to have fun this school year!'**_

'_**Hiya Mr Hat! Let's give the poor headmaster what he wants and put me in Gryffindor. And maybe you could tell the lovely Lady Hogwarts that I absolutely adore what's she's done with herself! Stunning lady!'**_

The hall sat in shock as a sudden tinkling laugh echoed round the school, like the sound of the sweetest bells. It was followed by the deep booming laugh of the sorting hat.

'GRYFFINDOR! Most assuredly Gryffindor!' it chuckled.

Harry beamed and hopped off the stool, handing the hat back to McGonagall and heading to his table. He sensuously slid in place, making eye contact with his housemates and winking at a select few. Girls swooned as he flashed them a sexy grin.

'Hello my lovelies, aren't I just the luckiest boy in the world to be sharing a common room with you'.

'_SQUEEAALL!'_

'_He's so cute!'_

'_The hell with cute! He's so sexy!'_

Pouting Harry blew them a kiss, sliding his arm round Hermione who he'd met on the train.

'Not that I'm complaining, but I could have sworn you'd be a shoe in for Ravenclaw'.

Blushing furiously and aware she was receiving looks of envy, she gave him a nervous smile. Harry beamed back at her.

'GRYFFINDOR!'

'Ronald! What I tell you, nothing to worry about!'

Harry swung an arm over the red head's shoulder, leaning close with a wry grin.

'And now I'm sharing dorms with four gorgeous red heads!' he purred against the other boy's ear.

Stammering Ron pulled away, face beet root red. Harry smirked and pouted his lips with a kissing noise. Then he spun round and eyed the other Weasleys.

'Percy the handsome prefect'.

He licked his lips.

'Dare I wonder just what, punishment, you'll perform on the unsuspecting wanderer of the night?'

The older boy gave him a weak glare, clearing his throat and fighting a blush. Harry blew him a kiss.

'Can't wait to find out' he teased before turning to the Weasley twins.

'So then, which is Fred and which is George? Or would you rather I call you Gred and Forge? Although I'd much prefer to call you sex on legs'.

The pair's jaws dropped, blushes creeping up their cheeks. Harry laughed joyfully, he'd broken the record and made the twins speechless, on his first day!

'So wait…I thought you liked girls?' Seamus asked.

Harry winked at the Irish boy.

'Girls are the princesses of the world, and I adore my princesses'.

Many girls swooned.

'But if I stayed with just the fairest females, I wouldn't be able to experience the joys of the gorgeous guys'.

'Oh, so you're bi then?' Seamus clarified.

'Bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual. Can't I just be sexual?' Harry purred in reply.

Seamus laughed.

OOO

'Oy Potter! Heard you like guys…'

'And you're offering yourself to me…how sweet of you!'

Ah, that was how Draco found himself in his current position. Ah well, at least he wasn't the only Slytherin Potter got his hands on. Just as long as Crabbe and Goyle weren't invited.

OOO

'There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science of the potion making. However, for those of you who possess the pre-disposition, I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to brew glory, bottle fame, and even put a stopper in death'.

Harry sighed dreamily. Snape rounded on him.

'Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel comfortable enough to not pay attention...'

'Oh I'm paying very, very close attention professor' Harry purred.

Scowling the man continued as if Harry hadn't spoken.

'What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

'A delightful potion that makes you act out my favourite scene from sleeping beauty. Such a pity true love's kiss can't break the enchantment of draught of the living death'.

Sneering slightly the man tried again.

'Without the dramatics, if you wouldn't mind. Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?'

'In the stomach of a goat, pity the poor goat has to die in order to save someone from poison'.

'And what is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?'

'The same lovely little plant, gives off a hint of lavender when you boil it, such an odd scent for such a plant' Harry mused.

Snape growled and barked at the others to write the answers down, flinging up the instructions onto the board.

Harry turned to Hermione, who was looking disappointed that she hadn't been called to answer.

'Don't worry honey, you know the answers and I know you know the answers. If those meanie professors won't pick you then that's their loss'.

She gave him a grateful smile and got to work.

OOO

'E…ev…every…one…p…p…please…t..t…take…a…s…seat'.

Harry ignored the order, heading straight up to professor Quirrell.

'Professor Quirrel you can't imagine how overjoyed I am to meet you! I'm your biggest fan, read about all the things you've done I have! When I heard YOU would be the one teaching defense oh I was tickled pink! You must let me shake your hand sir, it would be such an honor!'

'POTTER WAIT…!'

But of course it was too late. The moment Harry grabbed his hands the man started screaming out in pain, dropping to the floor as his hands began to burn.

'Oh my! Quick someone get the headmaster! Here sir let me take off that turban!'

Although in pain the man fought his hardest to keep his turban in place. Tutting Harry yanked the smelly thing off, tossing it to the side.

'My word what kind of rituals are you into?!'

The headmaster and a horde of other teachers came in just in time to see the remnants of Quirrell shriveled into dust while the spirit of Voldemort gave one last gasp and soared out an open window. Harry calmly stood and brushed the ashes off his robes. He looked at the teachers.

'I think he was allergic to my coconut oil body lotion. The poor thing'.

OOO

'Please welcome our newest teacher, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, who has graciously agreed on such short notice to take over defense against the dark arts class after the tragic accident of our last teacher'.

'Tragic accident?' Lockhart asked nervously.

Harry smirked.

OOO

'Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher... me. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. But I don't talk about that, I didn't get rid of the Banden Banshee by smiling at him'.

He gave a little prompting chuckle, which was ignored. The females, and most of the males, were too busy admiring Harry. Coughing, somewhat put out at not being the center of attention, the man continued and introduced the "dangerous creatures" the class would be learning about today.

'Cornish Pixies?!'

And after that all hell broke loose. Well, the amount of hell little pixies can cook up. Harry sat amidst the chaos with a silly grin on his face. Ah, nothing like a trip to the past to bring back good memories!

He fished out his player and stuck the earbuds in. DJ Bobo's Chihuahua came on, and that gave him an idea. Just a little tweak required…

OOO

"_Da Da Da, Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Oh Banana!_

_I'm walking in the street_

_And the moon shine's bright_

_A little melody keeps feeling on my mind tonight_

_I gotcha!_

_It's the song about banana_

_Yeah, that's cool alright_

_It was fun_

_And a life without sorrow_

_Feels young_

_And when you think about tomorrow_

_Say YO!_

_When you're about to freak out_

_Just go and then shout it out loud_

_Banana here_

_Banana there_

_Everybody wants it everywhere_

_Sing it loud_

_And life can be so easy_

_What can make you move, BANANA!_

_Can you feel the groove BANANA!_

_What can make you dance?_

_Oh Banana!_

_What can make you sing BANANA!_

_Take it and you win BANANA!_

_What can bring you joy?_

_Oh Banana!_

_I'm driving in my car_

_Looking for a parking space_

_There it is my place someone else wins the race_

_NO, I give up_

_Today is not my day_

_But then I take a deep breathe and say:_

_Calm down_

_When you're about to go crazy_

_Turn around_

_And feel as fresh as a daisy_

_Just run_

_Because it's time to go_

_Have fun and let the whole world know_

_Banana here_

_Banana there_

_Everybody wants it everywhere_

_Sing it loud_

_And life can be so easy BANANA!_

_What can make you move BANANA!_

_Can you feel the groove BANANA!_

_What can make you dance?_

_Oh banana!_

_What can make you sing BANANA!_

_Take it and you win BANANA!_

_What can bring you joy?_

_Oh banana!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!_

_Oh Banana!_

_What can make you move BANANA!_

_Can you feel the groove BANANA!_

_What can make you dance?_

_Oh banana!_

_What can make you shout BANANA!_

_What it's all about BANANA!_

_What can make you love?_

_Oh banana!"_

'And, once more, we are short a defense against the dark arts professor'.

The staff at St Mungos had to be very careful not to utter the word banana around the blonde man.

'So, without further a due, please welcome…Professor Lupin!'

A random teacher ran up and whispered something into Dumbledore's ear. He gave her a look of disbelief, and she responded by thrusting a piece of parchment into his hands.

'Erhem…I mean to say, please welcome…me! I will take over the class until such times as we can find a replacement for the replacement'.

Harry smirked. Remus was much too busy to come to Hogwarts. Of course he would be, after finding a million galleons and a lifetime supply of wolfsbane in his vault and an order to take an extended vacation to Tahiti. He'd get a lovely surprise when he discovered his old friend Sirius Black taking the same vacation, with absolute proof that he was innocent in the form of a caged rat. He had all the time in the world to hand the rat into the authorities.

OOO

'May I have your attention please! We have a slight change in plans for the rest of the school year! The ministry has decided to push forward plans for the Tri Wizard Tournament to this year. We'll have students from two other schools coming here to compete.

Now as this is all a bit rushed, we've decided to forgo the usual way of choosing a champion. I've been told that Miss Fleur Delacour, part Veela blonde bombshell, will be champion for Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, and Mr Viktor Krum, quidditch star and all round hunk, will be champion for Durmstrang Institute. So…um…as to our champion…'

He fumbled for the sorting hat, who huffed as it was turned upside down and several pieces of folded parchment was placed inside. Dumbledore shuffled the bundle and drew out a name.

'The champion for Hogwarts will be…Cedric Diggory!'

The hall started cheering, albeit confused cheering but cheering nonetheless. Dumbledore smiled as the students, then realised he'd accidentally drawn two pieces instead of parchment instead of one.

'Oh, and Harry Potter as well. And now for our second piece of news. We have a new defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Moody!'

'_Yay…yell…whatever'._

Harry pouted at the headmaster. Of course he'd be in the ruddy tournament, again.

'Wonder how long this professor will last' Snape grumbled under his breath.

OOO

'Here Potter! Got some advice for you!'

'Oh good I was hoping I could talk to you! You must have been so rushed to find old Voldy and get the ritual sorted out for the tournament. Hows about we head on off and sort that out now rather than wait until the end of this silly tournament'.

'Uh…'

'Well come on then, let's get going, come on!' Harry said, dragging the stunned man away.

OOO

'Harry Potter…Look at what I've become because of you'.

'Hey don't blame me, not my fault you were bested by a muggleborn'.

Voldemort growled.

'Crouch the ritual!' he rasped.

Harry rolled his eyes.

'Been there, done that. Come on lets get this over with so Dumbledore can bring in Umbridge as the new defense professor'.

'Umbridge! That oversized toad!' Crouch Jr snarled.

Harry turned to the man with a bright smile.

'You hate her too! Yay!'

He ran over and hugged the man.

'You're my friend!'

'Uh…'

'Come on handsome! Let's get rid of this nasty little baby man and you can come and live with me in my dorm room!'

'Wait…what?!'

Giggling Harry patted the man's hand and went over to Voldemort.

'Ok meanie, I can't be bothered waiting while you take a bath in that cauldron. Accio Voldemort's horcruxes!'

'That's impossible!' Voldemort yelled.

'I'm Harry Potter, your argument is invalid!' Harry laughed.

'Now then, Basilisk fang!' Harry beamed, bringing out one that the giant snake had graciously donated.

Voldemort watched in horror as each and every one of his horcruxes were viciously stabbed to death. Even poor Nagini, who he'd only had for a few days! Harry picked up the diary fondly.

'Such a pity, you were so darn cute as a teenager. Oh well'.

He thrust the length into the pages, drawing out and thrusting back in, and out and in, liquid dribbling from the tip as he took great pleasure in tearing the book a new one.

'STOP VIOLATING MY DIARY!' Voldemort screeched.

Harry just gave an evil laugh.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Voldemort screamed as the life was drained from him.

Harry gathered up all the destroyed pieces and burnt them, then brushed himself off and turned to Crouch Jr.

'Come on lets get back to Hogwarts. I'll give you a list of people you can make fun of'.

The man thought for a moment, then grinned.

'Yeah, ok!'

OOO

'And the winner of the Tri Wizard Tournament is Cedric Diggory!'

Wild cheers as the boy held up the cup. Harry sauntered over and planted a kiss on the blonde's cheek.

'Good competition Cedric. Maybe tonight you could show me some of the moves you used in the maze, again'.

Blushing madly the older boy grinned.

'Uh, I guess so, again'.

Fleur and Viktor pouted, Harry laughed.

'Oh my lovelies I'm not missing you out! Perhaps we can all get together, hmm…?'

Viktor glanced at Cedric, looking the blonde up and down.

'I'm in'.

'Me too!' Fleur chirped in.

OOO

'And so, since we appeared to have misplaced Professor Moody…'

Harry much preferred Crouch without the polyjuice, thank you very much. The man was hiding out in the dorm room.

'Please welcome Professor Umbridge!'

''Welcome, Professor Umbridge' Harry cackled.

Ron inched away from his friend. Harry laughed and grabbed the red head's arm.

'Come on Ron, I hear there's a cute little blonde running around the school looking for her shoes!'

'Um Harry…Luna doesn't start until next year' Hermione pointed out.

Harry gave her a blank look, then slapped his head.

'Silly me, I'm still in first year!'

OOO

"_Chunky, chunky, _

_I like 'em big_

_I like 'em chunky_

_I like 'em big_

_I like 'em plumpy_

_I like 'em round_

_With something, something_

_They Like my sound_

_They think I'm funky…"_

'Harry while it's a good song for her, she's more toad than hippo and she really hates flying things'.

'But there aren't any good songs about toads and birds!' Harry whined.

She huffed.

'What about the birdie song?'

'It doesn't have any lyrics'

'It doesn't need lyrics, any muggle born will know what you're trying to do and they'll tell the others!'

Fine…! You're no fun Mione!' Harry pouted.

OOO

'AYEEEEEEEE!'

Students left and right laughed as Umbridge ran down the corridor, a thousand pink dyed frogs following her with speakers blasting out the birdie song strapped to their necks.

'Yeah, go Trevor!' Neville cheered.

'Or…you can just do that and everyone knows' Hermione countered.

Harry gave her a sweet innocent smile.

OOO

'And, once more, we are short our defense teacher…'

They could still hear her screams from the forbidden forest.

'Wonder what the Centaurs will do with her?' Ron pondered out loud.

Hermione and Harry just smirked.

'And so…um…'

Dumbledore looked helplessly at his staff. His eyes fell upon Snape, and lit up.

'Our new defense professor will be, our very own Professor Snape!'

The dark man's eyes went wide.

'No headmaster, please don't make me do this!'

Dumbledore smiled serenely.

'Nonsense Severus! You've been wanting this job for years. I'll have Slughorn take your place as potions professor'.

Hermione glanced at Harry.

'You're going to behave this time, aren't you?'

Harry patted her hands and kissed her cheek, standing and sauntering out the hall with a little smirk on his lips.

Snape whimpered in his seat.

OOO

It took three days, three days of absolutely nothing happening, before Snape finally broke and begged Harry to just get it over with. Harry laughed, patted the man on the head, and said he would never prank such a tall dark and mysterious hunk.

Severus retired his new position the next day. He wasn't up to flirty boys trying to ruin his life. He would take brainless brats in potions any day. Slughorn ran from the castle before anyone suggested HE took the defense position.

OOO

'I give up! Harry Potter will be our new defense professor!' Dumbledore sighed.

People who had already graduated began to return just to be taught by the gorgeous boy. People too young to enter Hogwarts began to beg their parents to let them come early.

'Was this what you had in mind all along Harry?' Hermione asked.

'No, it's a bonus!' Harry squealed, surrounded by his fans.

She rolled her eyes with a grin.

'Only you Harry'.


	2. Take Two!

**Take Two!**

There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.

Harry prised an eye open and looked round.

'What the…The Hell am I doing back here?!'

He'd already done this for Merlin's sake! Harry sighed.

Oh well, round two I suppose.

He pointed himself towards the door and started kicking.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

'WHAT THE RUDDY HELL ARE YOU DOING BOY?!'

Vernon came over just as the door was finally kicked open. It hit him right in the…err…meat and two veggies. Vernon let out a groan that sounded far more like a squeak and dropped like a boulder. Harry clambered out the cupboard and stretched out the kinks.

'If I'm gonna have to do this again then I'm doing things differently!'

He groaned as his muscles protested both the fall and being crammed into the cupboard.

'Urgh! They really have to make that bloody thing larger!'

He paused mid stretch. Larger? A wide grin spread across his face and he dived back in the opening and pulled the door shut.

Vernon finally recovered and hauled himself to his feet.

'BOY GET YOUR ARSE BACK HERE AND INTO THAT…cupboard?!'

He stared blankly as the sound of sawing and hammering and drilling came from the tiny space. He scratched his head when he then heard a catcall and a "hey pretty lady!" followed by a girlish titter.

'Must have hit my head when I fell' he murmured, heading back to the dinning room to finish his meal.

A few hours later the cupboard lock snicked open and Harry crawled back out.

'TA DA!'

He pouted when he realised no-one was around to see his work.

'Aww…Ah well'.

And he headed upstairs to steal…borrow some…all of Dudley's toys. He'd fix the broken ones later.

OOO

'I'd like a trunk with the biggest space you can put in it!'

The shop keeper's eyes widened.

'You don't mean…?!'

Harry leaned over the counter.

'Oh I mean'.

'THE SUPER DELUXE ULTRA GIGANTIC LARGE SPACE IN A TRUNK!'

'I'll have it done in an hour' the keeper cackled, rubbing his hands together.

Harry tipped his invisible hat and headed out to go to the bank. No really he did have an invisible hat. It was multi coloured with sparkles and a big pair of antlers on the top. No really!

A woman started as she was pushed to the side. She was pretty sure the young black haired child hadn't been _that_ close to her.

Told you, nice big antlers.

OOO

'Alrighty Mr Goblin here's what I want. I want all my nick nacks in a wizard space bag. I want all my money moved from all my vaults and put into a brand new vault hidden in the core of the earth surrounded by molten larva. I want a credit card so I can buy things in the muggle world and I don't want you to tell me you don't have one cause I've read plenty of Harry Potter fanfiction bub! Oh and I'd like my family ring and I want to be able to pay with it'.

Harry gave a sweet smile. The Goblin gave a shark like grin.

'That's what I like to see! Customers that know what they want and know how to get it!'

He clicked his fingers.

'All done! Here's your card and your bag full of everything that wasn't money from your vaults. And here's your ring'.

'Ta much!' Harry called as he ran out the door.

OOO

'Here's your trunk'.

Harry opened it carefully and peeked inside. There was a heavenly light and the sound of a choir.

'Oooh…Nice!'

'That'll be…um…you know what you can have it for free since I'm clearly a crazy person for letting a child have such an awesome godlike trunk'.

'Cool, thanks!'

Harry left the shop and looked round. Time to clean out this one horse town. Or was that clean _up_? Harry cackled. No, definitely clean _out_.

OOO

There was nothing…absolutely nothing…

The aurors came when several calls rang through the ministry of a mysterious kid running round the alley causing problems. When they arrived they were met by angry customers and positively gleeful shop owners. It took a while but eventually they got the story. A young kid had ran into each and every store and cleaned them out. No really he'd bought absolutely everything, shelves and all. The other customers weren't happy, the shop keepers could take early retirement. Even the shops in Knockturn were empty, and Mr Ollivander was found staring blankly at his four bare walls. When questioned the man only had this to say.

'I hadn't realised it was so large in here. ECHOOOOO…!'

OOO

Harry threw his trunk back into his cupboard, ignoring the sound of smashing glass from within. He could always go to France to replace what he'd broken. As he closed the door he suddenly realised he really needed someone to organise his trunk for him. He could have done it himself, but he was a lazy sod.

'DOBBY! WINKY!'

Twin pops signalled the arrival of the Elves. They were about to question what Harry called them here, when Harry opened his trunk and let them see inside.

Winky was awe inspired. So much mess! With a squeal of pure joy she popped away, told Crouch he could stuff it, popped back and dove head first into the trunk.

Dobby was a little more relaxed about it. He calmly popped to the Malfoys, picked up the horrible black diary hidden in the library, and started beating the crap out of Lucius. He paused when the man's girlish screams were echoed by the diary. Shrugging the little Elf continued to bash Lucius. He paused again when the book started oozing out a gloopy black ooze. Dobby's eyes twinkled and he started racing round the manor, covering everything he could with the stuff and laughing like a maniac. Finally he was finished and dropped the diary on Lucius' head.

'Dobby quits!' he announced, popping back to help clean up the delightfully messy trunk with his new friend Winky.

OOO

'GET YOUR WANDS HERE! GENUINE HAND MADE WANDS! ONLY FIVE GALLEONS!'

On retrospect it was a bit silly to buy every wand in Ollivander's. So Harry was making his money back on the Hogwarts Express. Kids were flocking to him, even some of the older ones who already had a wand. Harry made sure his past/future friends were matched with their correct wands. He grinned when a familiar blonde pushed through the crowds.

'How dare you buy all those wands?! I demand to be given one for free!'

Harry peered thoughtfully at the boy.

'Are you sure you're supposed to be on this train? You don't look like a wizard to me'.

Draco's cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk.

'Of course I belong here! What do you think I am?!'

'A ferret hiding as a human!' Harry happily supplied.

The blonde started making noises which Harry supposed was meant to mean to was so angry he couldn't talk. It just made the boy sound more like a rabid chipmunk.

'Fine. Here, you and your gorilla friends can have these wands. Eight galleons!'

'EIGHT GALLEONS! YOU WERE ONLY CHARGING FIVE FOR THE OTHERS!'

'Yes but you're special, so you need special wands, and special wands like yours cost more because they are made from rare ingredients' Harry replied like he was talking to an idiot.

The blonde deflated and happily handed over the money, leaving with Crabbe and Goyle and boasting of his _special_ wand.

'How come he gets a special wand?!' someone complained.

'Cause he's special! Here if you want one as well I've got a few left'.

And he brought out a bunch of twigs he'd found in the park. They were snapped out his hands and the galleons flowed in. He was left somewhat flabbergasted as the students fought over the "special wands".

'It was a joke' he supplied, but no-one paid any attention.

OOO

'First years over here!'

Harry ignored the half giant and instead ran to catch up with a familiar pair of red heads.

'Can I share?'

Fred and George grinned and hauled him into the carriage.

'Not even sorted yet…'

'And you've done your first prank!'

They wiped away an invisible tear.

'We're so proud of you!'

'But of course. What else could you expect from the son of Prongs?'

And thus a friendship was made, one that would cause students and teachers alike to shudder in fear in the upcoming years.

OOO

'Hagrid, can I borrow one of your roosters for a minute'.

'Uh…sure Harry'.

Harry grinned and grabbed the nearest bird, ignoring its squawks of indignation and ran to the girl's bathroom.

'Hi Myrtle! Be back in just a second!'

The ghost watched bewildered as the kid hissed the sink open and jumped down the hole. She hovered over the opening, wondering what was going on. A few moments later there was an almighty kerfuffle, a cut off squawk and a bought of evil laughter and she could hear something large and slippery start slithering away for its life. She jumped back when Harry suddenly appeared, a big grin on his face.

'Basilisks don't like cocks! Did you know that?!'

Myrtle blinked in confusion as the sink closed up and the boy headed out the room, his laughter echoing down the corridor. She wondered what had happened to the rooster.

OOO

'May I present to you, the Room of Requirement!'

And that was how he lost the Weasley twins. Harry was sure they were still in that room somewhere, creating pranks and bribing the ghosts and the Elves to wrecking havoc on the school. He tried a few times to find them, but it seemed the castle had grown fond of the pair and prevented them from ever being found, even by Harry. At times the students and teachers could hear their echoed cackling.

Weasley Wizard Wheezes opened up the next year, although no-one could ever figure out how a pair of fourth years were able to convince the castle to let them set up shop within her walls. Or how they were able to recruit a Werewolf and an escaped prisoner from Azkaban.

Nor could any of the teachers figure out where the shop was so they could shut it down.

The place became the most popular shop in wizarding Britain, since Diagon Alley was still recovering from operation clean out.

OOO

'Dobby get me the ring, the diary…'

'I has already smushed the diary into tiny pieces!'

'Great! Then grab the ring and the locket! Winky you get the diadem and the cup!'

The pair saluted and popped away. Harry pondered for a moment how the Elf had gotten a hold of the diary. Then he remembered one of Draco's rants to a random Slytherin.

"_Stupid thing nearly killed father! Just started bashing him with a mouldy old book! THEN he had the nerve to smear gunk all over my brand new clothes! If I get a hold of that bloody Elf I'll order him to cook himself in the oven!"_

Harry couldn't stop laughing for nearly an hour. The Gryffindors kept well away from him.

OOO

Harry waved his wand in a determined manner, eyes scrunched up in concentration.

'Horcruxeus put back togetherus!'

The little slithers of soul leaped out the items, and his forehead, and zoomed towards the defence classroom. Quirrell didn't know what hit him. Unfortunately, since Quirrell was being possessed by Mouldywarts at the time, the end result was not two full people like Harry wanted. It looked more like a horrible experiment gone wrong.

*The next day in class*

'Who can tell me the best way to deter a Hinkypunk?'

'_No! Who can tell ME how to summon legions of the dead?!'_

'Will you stop that I'm trying to teach!'

'_And I'm trying to take over the world!'_

Quirrell slammed his head down on the desk, which coincidently meant Mouldywarts was forced to do the same.

'_That hurt you idiot!'_

'It was supposed to you ugly bat!'

Harry's new favourite class was now defence. EVERYBODY'S new favourite class was now defence. Sure, they didn't learn anything, but what better way to unwind from a hard days learning than to sit back with some popcorn and watch the Quirrell and Mouldy show!

A happy end to the story. And it wasn't even Christmas yet!


	3. Take Three!

**Take Three!**

There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.

'Aw Hell no!'

Harry grumbled as he kicked open the door.

'That's it! I'm getting fed up!'

Someone up there was having a laugh. Well he'd be the one laughing last. But first, he needed some money.

OOO

'ROLL UP ROLL UP! SEE THE FREAKS OF NUMBER FOUR! BEHOLD THE MAN WHOSE MOTHER MATED WITH A WALRUS! SEE THE RARE GIRAFFE NECKED HORSE THAT THINKS SHE'S HUMAN! SEE THE BABY WHALE WHO BREATHES ON LAND! ONLY TEN QUID FOR AN HOUR IN THE HOUSE OF FREAKS!'

Harry counted up his money as people from all over the world crowded into the house. No need to visit Gringotts this time. Now then, about that plane ticket to Albania.

OOO

'You are going to summon each and every one of your soul pieces and you are going to put them back together and if I hear a single insult or complaint I will force you to live as a fluffy white bunny for the rest of your wrath life!'

Voldemort didn't know what hit him. One minute he was sweeping through the forest haunting anyone who came too close, and the next he was grabbed by a green eyed devil.

'Ok ok I'll do it…!'

A few moments later the complete form of Voldemort was standing in the clearing.

'Avada bloody Kedavra!'

'You don't have a…!'

Killer green erupted from Harry's fingertips.

'Nevermind'.

'No more time travel! I'm done!' Harry announced to the sky as he headed back home.

Up above a godlike form chuckled.

'We'll see…'

OOO

There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.

'SON OF A...!'


End file.
